this is funny
http://www.mathibus.com/blog/index.php?m=200312#post-5
or is it just me?
Post your jokes here
Moderators: fac51, 117, arfur, vinnieza
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of
Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient,
I have concluded that your actdisplays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself,I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go Home?"
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of
Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient,
I have concluded that your actdisplays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself,I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go Home?"
>>A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs; and one night he's doing a
>>show in a small town in Oklahoma.
>>With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
>>blonde jokes.
>>A blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
>>
>>"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!
>>What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way?
>>What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
>>human being?
>>It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
>>and in the community, and
>>from reaching our full potential as a person.
>>Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
>>not only blondes, but
>>women in general, and all in the name of humor.
>>" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde
>>yells:
>>"You stay out of this, mister!
>>
>>I'm talking to that little sh*t sitting on your knee!"
>>show in a small town in Oklahoma.
>>With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
>>blonde jokes.
>>A blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
>>
>>"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!
>>What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way?
>>What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
>>human being?
>>It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
>>and in the community, and
>>from reaching our full potential as a person.
>>Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
>>not only blondes, but
>>women in general, and all in the name of humor.
>>" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde
>>yells:
>>"You stay out of this, mister!
>>
>>I'm talking to that little sh*t sitting on your knee!"
-
117
- Lowly Janitor Guru
- Posts: 12548
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 12:23 pm
- Location: a destination a little up the road
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
-
117
- Lowly Janitor Guru
- Posts: 12548
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 12:23 pm
- Location: a destination a little up the road
A letter written by a heartbroken man to his estranged partner
Dear Audrey:
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy
in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I
guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of
things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking
bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us
does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is
what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're
not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at
Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but
just
to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one
of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice
skating
can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an
ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the
couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've
made important in our lives.
It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her
better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my
moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of
that before.
I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed
her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking,
"Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique
or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling
of loss.
Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same
because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy
without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Pontins last year? Well,
she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I
wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she
meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few
glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old
bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack.
She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not
hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother' old
vanity.
So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch
ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't
help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor?
We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex
aid."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her
shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general.
She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we're
drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage
girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she
looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that
gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and
how that
probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even
then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all
I can do is think of you?
It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could
start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh?
I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me know,
otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is.
John
Dear Audrey:
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy
in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I
guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of
things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking
bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us
does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is
what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're
not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at
Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but
just
to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one
of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice
skating
can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an
ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the
couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've
made important in our lives.
It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her
better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my
moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of
that before.
I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed
her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking,
"Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique
or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling
of loss.
Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same
because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy
without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Pontins last year? Well,
she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I
wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she
meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few
glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old
bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack.
She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not
hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother' old
vanity.
So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch
ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't
help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor?
We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex
aid."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her
shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general.
She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we're
drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage
girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she
looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that
gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and
how that
probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even
then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all
I can do is think of you?
It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could
start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh?
I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me know,
otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is.
John
A blonde girl comes home from a long day at work,
and decides to make herself some dinner.
She was waiting for her food to heat up in the microwave,
when the microwave explodes and her house begins to catch fire.
She quickly picks up the phone and dials 911.
When the 911 operator picks up, the girl screams,
"Please do something, my house is on fire!"
The operator say, "Okay, we?re on our way. How do we get there?"
The blond disgustedly says, "Duh. Big red truck!"
and decides to make herself some dinner.
She was waiting for her food to heat up in the microwave,
when the microwave explodes and her house begins to catch fire.
She quickly picks up the phone and dials 911.
When the 911 operator picks up, the girl screams,
"Please do something, my house is on fire!"
The operator say, "Okay, we?re on our way. How do we get there?"
The blond disgustedly says, "Duh. Big red truck!"
GIRL'S DIARY
Sunday 11th May 2003.
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping
in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it
might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go
somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I
suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered
if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed.
I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just
half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of
silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms
around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a
sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was
surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit
cold,and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that
he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.
-------------------------------------------------------------
BLOKES DIARY
Sunday 11th May 2003.
My football team was relegated today. Gutted. Got a shag though
Sunday 11th May 2003.
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping
in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it
might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go
somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I
suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered
if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed.
I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just
half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of
silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms
around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a
sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was
surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit
cold,and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that
he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.
-------------------------------------------------------------
BLOKES DIARY
Sunday 11th May 2003.
My football team was relegated today. Gutted. Got a shag though