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When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
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117
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A professor at an Arkansas University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his large audience, he asked "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 50 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost? About 20 students raised their
hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 8 students raised their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raised their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one more question Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Billy Bob, way in the back raised his hand. The professor took off his glasses, peers toward the back of the room and says, "Son, in all the years I've been teaching this class, No one has claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and made his way to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the professor said, "Well, now, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Billy Bob replied, "Shhhiiiiiittt! From way back thar, I thought you said "Goats."
About 50 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost? About 20 students raised their
hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 8 students raised their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raised their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one more question Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Billy Bob, way in the back raised his hand. The professor took off his glasses, peers toward the back of the room and says, "Son, in all the years I've been teaching this class, No one has claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and made his way to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the professor said, "Well, now, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Billy Bob replied, "Shhhiiiiiittt! From way back thar, I thought you said "Goats."
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
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Oh ffs. Do these compile errors ever stop? I am getting fed up with them.
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117
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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo
Project, it took the astronauts
to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for
training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came
across the space crew walking
among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a
question.
His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the
big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were
practicing for a trip to the
moon.
When his son relayed this comment the
Navajo elder got all excited and
asked if it would be possible to give to the
astronauts a message to deliver
to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity
when he saw one, a NASA official
accompanying the astronauts said, "Why
certainly!" and told an underling to
get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the
microphone were brief. The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate
what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and
laughed uproariously. But he
refused to translate. So the NASA people took
the tape to a nearby Navajo
village and played it for other members of the
tribe. They too laughed long
and loudly but also refused to translate the
elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government
translator was summoned. After he
finally stopped laughing the translator relayed
the message:
"Watch out for these assholes. They have
come to steal your land."
__________________________
A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth".
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin' horth............can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and gives the horse's eyes the once over.........
"Nith eyeth...........can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth.........can I thee her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf...........can I thee her ****"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's vagina, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that:
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Project, it took the astronauts
to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for
training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came
across the space crew walking
among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a
question.
His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the
big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were
practicing for a trip to the
moon.
When his son relayed this comment the
Navajo elder got all excited and
asked if it would be possible to give to the
astronauts a message to deliver
to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity
when he saw one, a NASA official
accompanying the astronauts said, "Why
certainly!" and told an underling to
get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the
microphone were brief. The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate
what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and
laughed uproariously. But he
refused to translate. So the NASA people took
the tape to a nearby Navajo
village and played it for other members of the
tribe. They too laughed long
and loudly but also refused to translate the
elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government
translator was summoned. After he
finally stopped laughing the translator relayed
the message:
"Watch out for these assholes. They have
come to steal your land."
__________________________
A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth".
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin' horth............can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and gives the horse's eyes the once over.........
"Nith eyeth...........can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth.........can I thee her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf...........can I thee her ****"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's vagina, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that:
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
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117
- Lowly Janitor Guru
- Posts: 12548
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 12:23 pm
- Location: a destination a little up the road
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it"
Cobba said "Lets try Plan B." "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba "Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it"
Cobba said "Lets try Plan B." "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba "Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
