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A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced lemons and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The barman screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little swine. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. Whilst the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The barman is horrified. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what did he do now?" asks the monkey's owner. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barman. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the owner.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

LOL!

hahahahahaah

26 Reasons why men should have dogs and not wives:



1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.



2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.



3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.



4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name



5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.



6. A dog's parents never visit.



7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.



8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.



9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or

desk.



10. Dogs seldom outlive you.



11. Dogs can't talk.



12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.



13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.



14 . Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.



15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.



16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get

another dog?"



17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them

away.



18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a

pervert.



19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car



20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just

think it's interesting.



21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater!



22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.



23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.



24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.



25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.



And, last but not least:



26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

ETHICS TEST




>> > > > This test only has one question, but it's a very important
>> > > > one.
>> > > > By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you
>> > > > stand morally.
>> > > >
>> > > > The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
>> > > > situation in which you will have to make a decision.
>> > > > Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
>> > > > spontaneous.
>> > > > Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each
>> > > > line.
>> > > > You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all
>> > > > around you, caused by a hurricane, with severe flooding.
>> > > >
>> > > > This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a
>> > > > photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
>> > > > caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
>> > > >
>> > > > The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot
>> > > > career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling
>> > > > around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is
>> > > > unleashing all of its destructive fury.
>> > > > Suddenly, you see a man floundering in the water. He is
>> > > > fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the
>> > > > debris. You move closer.
>> > > > Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it
>> > > > is.
>> > > >
>> > > > It's George W Bush!
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about
>> > > > to pull him under. You have two options--you can save the
>> > > > life of GW Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize
>> > > > winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's
>> > > > most powerful men.
>> > > >
>> > > > So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go
>> > > > with the classic simplicity of black and white?

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford
Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a
seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine,
I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know
what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the
piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote
710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and
asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right
there".

(i'm blonde )

oldie-but-goodie
beta had a link to some good jokes this week, but they really aren't suitable for this forum

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
Artificial Intelligence.

A couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new chick that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a "quickie." Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you?re not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I?ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you?re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

Just saw them and thought they were funny

BTW i'm nicking em from here: http://www.mobile9.com/invboard/index.p ... ic=17360:P

[joke removed]

not sure that's quite suitable for this forum endre mate, but i have heard it before anyways, there's hundreds of takes on that joke, there's a story attached to it, it's been an comedy industry in-joke for years, and recently someone made a documentary of loads of comedians all telling their own versions of it, some of which are truly truly sick

yeah i know. I saw the documentary today. Dident like the documentary tho. The joke is so sick its funny. But I can see how most ppl dont like sick houmoure. Majorety of people are normale not sick.