Post your jokes here
Moderators: fac51, 117, arfur, vinnieza
-
117
- Lowly Janitor Guru
- Posts: 12548
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 12:23 pm
- Location: a destination a little up the road
1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they
still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
4. What's another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
10. Why do they report power outages on TV?
11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating
an endangered plant?
12. Is it possible to be totally partial?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
headlights off?
17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is
he still wrong?
19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they
still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
4. What's another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
10. Why do they report power outages on TV?
11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating
an endangered plant?
12. Is it possible to be totally partial?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
headlights off?
17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is
he still wrong?
19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
-
117
- Lowly Janitor Guru
- Posts: 12548
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 12:23 pm
- Location: a destination a little up the road
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
Actual Instruction Labels...
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
-
117
- Lowly Janitor Guru
- Posts: 12548
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 12:23 pm
- Location: a destination a little up the road
In a trial, in a small South Carolina town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in and asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help her God.
She said, "I do."
She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit, paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. He slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?"
She said, "I do."
She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit, paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. He slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?"
1. Women are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like......Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
4. Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest
5. Women are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of
them.
6. Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
7. Men are like.....Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to
get hard.
8. Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head
right for your hips.
9. Women are like.....Coffee The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you
up all night long.
10. Women are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
11. Women are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes should always be
half off.
12. Men are like.....Government bonds They take so long to mature.
13. Women are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are
usually wrong.
14. Women are like.....Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then
you're riding it.
15. Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
16. Women are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
17. Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long he will last.
18. Men are like......Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them
anywhere.
19. Men are like......Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's
about it.
20. Men are like......Curling Irons. They're always hot, and they're always
in your hair.
21. Men are like......High Heels. They're easy to walk on, once you get the
hang of it.
22. Women are like......Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
23. Men are like......Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up
on your butt.
24. Women are like......Noodles. They're always in hot water, they lack
taste and they need dough.
25. Men are like......Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and the
ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
26. Men are like......Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware
store or the bathroom.
27. Men are like......Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the
table.
28. Men are like......Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.
2. Men are like......Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
4. Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest
5. Women are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of
them.
6. Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
7. Men are like.....Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to
get hard.
8. Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head
right for your hips.
9. Women are like.....Coffee The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you
up all night long.
10. Women are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
11. Women are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes should always be
half off.
12. Men are like.....Government bonds They take so long to mature.
13. Women are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are
usually wrong.
14. Women are like.....Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then
you're riding it.
15. Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
16. Women are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
17. Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long he will last.
18. Men are like......Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them
anywhere.
19. Men are like......Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's
about it.
20. Men are like......Curling Irons. They're always hot, and they're always
in your hair.
21. Men are like......High Heels. They're easy to walk on, once you get the
hang of it.
22. Women are like......Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
23. Men are like......Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up
on your butt.
24. Women are like......Noodles. They're always in hot water, they lack
taste and they need dough.
25. Men are like......Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and the
ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
26. Men are like......Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware
store or the bathroom.
27. Men are like......Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the
table.
28. Men are like......Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.
-
117
- Lowly Janitor Guru
- Posts: 12548
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 12:23 pm
- Location: a destination a little up the road
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple
of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears
out of nowhere "
__________________________________
1. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we know?
2. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
4. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
5. And while we're on the subject, why do "fat chance" and "slim chance"
mean the same thing?
6. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
7. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?
9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
10. Why is it called "after dark"? Isn't it really "after light"?
11. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
12. Why do "wise man" and "wise guy" have opposite meanings?
13. What about overlook and oversee? They have opposite meanings too.
14. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
18. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read alright?
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know
the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. This is the one you'll all be thinking about for a while ...
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple
of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears
out of nowhere "
__________________________________
1. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we know?
2. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
4. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
5. And while we're on the subject, why do "fat chance" and "slim chance"
mean the same thing?
6. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
7. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?
9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
10. Why is it called "after dark"? Isn't it really "after light"?
11. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
12. Why do "wise man" and "wise guy" have opposite meanings?
13. What about overlook and oversee? They have opposite meanings too.
14. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
18. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read alright?
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know
the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. This is the one you'll all be thinking about for a while ...
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-
117
- Lowly Janitor Guru
- Posts: 12548
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 12:23 pm
- Location: a destination a little up the road
On a business trip in Mexico, three men get drunk and wake up in jail to
learn they will be executed, although none of them can recall what they
did to deserve it.
The first man put in the electric chair is asked for his last words.
"I'm from Yale Divinity School, and believe in the power of God to intervene
on behalf of the innocent."
The switch is thrown, but nothing happens. The jailers figure God wants
the man alive and they let him go.
The second man is strapped in. "I'm from Harvard Law School, and believe
in the power of justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
The switch is thrown; again, nothing. The jailers think the law is on this
man's side, so they let him go.
The last man says, "Well, I'm an electrical engineer from MIT, and you're
not electrocuting anybody if you don't connect those two loose wires
down there."
________________________________________________________
A business man got on an elevator in a tall building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying,"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again answers "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F. It means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T - - - Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
learn they will be executed, although none of them can recall what they
did to deserve it.
The first man put in the electric chair is asked for his last words.
"I'm from Yale Divinity School, and believe in the power of God to intervene
on behalf of the innocent."
The switch is thrown, but nothing happens. The jailers figure God wants
the man alive and they let him go.
The second man is strapped in. "I'm from Harvard Law School, and believe
in the power of justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
The switch is thrown; again, nothing. The jailers think the law is on this
man's side, so they let him go.
The last man says, "Well, I'm an electrical engineer from MIT, and you're
not electrocuting anybody if you don't connect those two loose wires
down there."
________________________________________________________
A business man got on an elevator in a tall building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying,"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again answers "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F. It means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T - - - Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."